Ŧђє Đєåđ Łỏϋєя

Time:

12:09 am.

I cant begin to explain how hard it is right now.

Everythings just been bottled up inside for so long, and i keep pushing more in. Its really effecting the way i treat everyone. I fight so much more with my mom, and i dont even care anymore why i disrespect her from what shes done to me.

Im trying really hard not to cut myself. Ive already tried taking pills, but that didnt go so well..

I want to just do something to end this all. Im having dreams again. Im dying. The second-coming and i witness it. I go to hell. I die and go to hell. I kill myself. I cant stop having dreams. Im not sleeping nearly as much anymore. I hate myself, i just wish i knew why i did this, what in my head does this to me.

I feel like im losing Sara. She told me some things and ive been worrying alot already as of late, but i dont know. I hate she's out at parties getting wasted without me. I dont care anymore about getting drunk or high. Hey, im also not a virgin. I just dont care, i should but i dont. I love her. I hate that i let her get to me like this, but i really love her. And of course, as previous expereince, she'll love me shorter than i'll love her. I'll be heartbroken, ill try killing myself again, i'll dwell on all my morals i threw away, i'll scream until i cant stand, i'll claw at myself, i will do it al over again. Same josh, different girl leaving me.

I cant begin to think about the situation with my dad. I havnt called him, i havnt seen him, and i cant. I dont know why. I just cant bring myself to do it. And so far by not doing it i've already really damaged things.

I cant help but think that its by fault, if i wasnt such a little bitch i would of been at his house the time when he had the stroke. It was our weekend to be there, but i was such a little dick. I hate myself and i dont think I can ever really forgive myself, because i feel somewhat responsible that he'll never walk again, that he'll never quite be right again.

I owe so much money to various places. Court fee's=180. Car=575. Dad=117.
My current Ballance, in wallet total? $6 to my name.

College search isnt going that well. At all. I dont know. I dont think i'm going to suceed in anything in life. I think im just about to burn out, fade away out of this small pile of ashes left behind at the first breathe of wind that comes my way. I feel im losing it. Mentally, emotionally. I feel im losing it harder than i ever have before.

I dont know why i even bother writing in this. It's so pointless. I dont know. I dont care.

Some days i just wish i was dead more than i wish i was dead on others.

Bleed on me

Time:

12:56 am.

Wow.

So watching Pink Floyd's The Wall so far isnt cheering me up right now. I dont even know why i feel so depressed. But i don't need to watch this.

Im not going to get this report done. I know im not. I have too much to do that i cant start on.

Somedays my life seems so pointless. I don't advance myself in any way it seems. I feel myself getting more numb everyday. Its so hard for me to be happy now. Especially here. This place just drains me.

I need to just go to sleep. I need to get away from here.

Bleed on me

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